Old Man’s Rubble

Do you ever have a song from your childhood just echoing in your head? I had an old Imperials’ (lyrics here) song that came to mind today. I’m not completely sure I can explain why, but I feel like God put it on my heart. Reviewing the lyrics, thinking about the Biblical truths that surround them, felt like answers to some prayers I had for some dear friends of mine that I was preparing to fellowship with this evening.

Take a moment, picture your heart as a home. What does it look like as a home for Jesus?

Is it dark, dirty, cobwebs in the corners? When I close my eyes and pictured my heart, I pictured a small cabin like room, clean and bright in the center with the warm glow of a lamp on a table stretching out into most of the spaces, but darkness lurking in the corners, gathering around the edges. God is cleaning up my heart, has made a huge difference, but I’m still a work in progress. Not many of us would like to describe ourselves as an old man’s rubble (listen here), but the state of our hearts might be just that.

“Are you living in an old man’s rubble
Are you listenin’ to the father of lies”

Today these words came to my head when thinking about some of the people I see just held down by sin, struggling with life. I wondered why do they seem so stuck? We all have times of trials, difficulties that are part of being Christ-like in a sin drenched world, but the issues I’m talking about are like the sloppy mud that sticks to your boots, the dredge of sin being tracked into what should be the newness of your walk with Christ. If we’re caught up by Satan’s lies, our hearts are the rubble of a crumbling shack. We need to build our hearts on the foundation of Christ.

Matthew 7:24-27

24 “Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. 25 And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock. 26 And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. 27 And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it.”

Today, I’ve been thinking about the struggles of motherhood and how do I communicate God’s truths to my child in a clear, consistent, loving way. And I thought back to just a few years ago. I was raised in the church, a physical building and in our home, but had been living for myself most of my adult life. From the outside, worldly view, I looked normal, rebelling against my strict upbringing, or even looked like a Christian at times, but I didn’t get it. I used to read a friend’s Facebook posts about God, Christ, being saved and thought, “sheesh, would you give us all a break already?” “Does every post have to be about God?” I was so hardhearted that my darkness couldn’t stand the redemptive light of Christ shining through her.

“Are you trying to live by your emotions
Are you puttin’ your faith in what you feel and see
Then you’re living just to satisfy your passions
And you better be careful, ’cause you’re being deceived”

I was using my emotions as my yard stick for my decisions, trying to fill the God-shaped hole in my heart with partying, friends, men, fun, and just kept feeling emptier and emptier.

This weekend we did a disappearing experiment at my daughter’s science themed birthday party. A huge box of packing peanuts, a small bottle of acetone, a 15 oz. empty can. I put the acetone into the can (slyly) and began to stuff packing peanuts into the can. They almost instantly disappeared. We were all shoving handfuls into the can just as fast as we could and they were dissolving. The kids were amazed and it was lots of fun, but the image of that bottomless hole, the empty can that can never be filled feels a lot like what my life was like in my days of serving self.

I was listening to the Father of Lies, the darkness in me was definitely winning. Then one day, God reached into my heart, and I almost physically heard a click, like someone turning on the lights. The world changed for me in an instant. All of a sudden, I could see my husband struggling against his own demons instead of seeing him as the demon destroying what I wanted for my pretty little life. I ached with compassion for him instead of resentment and anger.

I saw everyone with new eyes, God’s eyes. I was able to offer love, encouragement, to serve strangers even in a way I’d never had the heart for before. I understood what Love God, love people meant. When we’re full of God’s love, we simply do for others, whether it be our friends, family, husbands, children or complete strangers.

1 John 4:7-8 Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.

All of a sudden, I understood why I kept fighting the same battles and never getting anywhere. I was trying to do it with my own power, just by my own will.

“Are you puzzled by the way that you’re behavin’
Do you wonder why you do the things you do
Are you troubled by your lack of resistance
Do you feel that something’s got a hold on you”

I couldn’t. No amount of wishing to be nice, or kind, or gentle or good enough was making any difference. I would try so hard. I would be determined not to yell at the kids or nag my husband, but could barely make it a single day, if I even ever did. I felt like I was bloody from clawing and scraping to be a better person, but I could only hold out for so long before I was serving myself again. It all felt hopeless. I thought I was getting it, serving God, but I was following the external rules. I hadn’t let God just break into my heart and run away with me.

“Well deep within’ you there’s a spiritual battle
There’s a voice of the darkness and a voice of the light
And just by listening you’ve made a decision
‘Cause the voice you hear is gonna’ win the fight”

The difficulty here is Satan’s voice sounds a lot like our own, sounds reasonable, logical. In fact, the only way I know whose voice I’m listening to is when I am absolutely sure it is God’s voice. Reading and studying His word helps me know what He sounds like. And He is faithful to answer me when I ask for direction or clarity, or what do I need to see or learn. I almost always get a nearly immediate mental shift in perspective, a calming hand redirecting me.

If you are feeling stuck in the mud, are you standing your ground with Christ? Telling God, “I’m not going anywhere. I am going to follow you.” Beg Him to reveal Himself. He will. His timing is not ours, but He will. I definitely found I couldn’t unstick myself. I would get caught up in anger, telling myself I deserved better than whatever I was facing. That attitude got me nowhere, except nearly divorced, half crazed by the time I reached up for God’s grace and turned full force towards Him, refusing to listen to Satan’s pretty little lies anymore.

I’m not done healing yet, and I still have days or weeks that I slide back into old ways of thinking, but I feel God nudging me, reminding me that I don’t have to live in the muck anymore. I can usually climb out of it quickly, simply by remembering to turn my eyes and heart towards Him.

“If you’re living as a new creation
If you’re listening to the Father of light
Then you’re living in a mighty fortress
And you’re gonna’ be clothed in power and might.”

You may ask how is this entry about parenting? Because the first step I had to take toward truly parenting for God wasn’t about parenting at all. It was about refusing to live in the Old Man’s Rubble anymore. Until I could see that I needed to let the Holy Spirit batter my hard heart, break down my arrogant walls, and rebuild a humble heart, I wasn’t getting anywhere. I was living with a pretty face covering a roiling, fetid interior. I could be nice at the front door, but turn with rage onto my stepsons, daughter, or my husband in an instant.

Once the Holy Spirit began to convict me, piece by piece, of the hardness in me, of the sin in my life, I was able to change like shrugging off a lead coat because I wasn’t putting on a front, God’s grace and redemption was (IS) teaching me the truth about who I am in Christ. I am a prized child of God. Jesus paid my debt with his body and blood. I don’t have to be a slave to my sin anymore.

Colossians 3:9-10 Living Bible (TLB)

Don’t tell lies to each other; it was your old life with all its wickedness that did that sort of thing; now it is dead and gone. 10 You are living a brand new kind of life that is continually learning more and more of what is right, and trying constantly to be more and more like Christ who created this new life within you.

And I’m finding it easier and easier to shed the selfishness that bound me in sin; the great mystery of how the Holy Spirit works in us is that we’re whittled away, peeled like an onion, layers and layers get stripped away. Piece by piece, we change and yet also grow to see how far there is yet to go.

If you’re struggling, feeling at your end, reach for your Bible, seek God in everything you do, let Him come into the hidden places, let Him see the rubble you’ve been living in, let Him help you clean it up. It won’t be instantaneous, although the shift in your heart might be. It will take a lifetime of growing closer daily for His work to be complete in you, but those in your life will see the beautiful masterpiece. Because we can’t show our children how to have hearts that are palaces for Christ if we don’t first build a home for him in ourselves.

Mother’s Day 2014

Mother's Day is full of perfect images, but we're imperfect and that's how God's plan works best.

As a blogger, it can be hard to write about holidays or events on demand. I’ve spent all week trying to approach writing about Mother’s Day.

My entire blog is about being a Christian mother, and I covered a lot about becoming a mother in an earlier post, Seriously Harvard? that dealt with Samuel 1, Hannah’s story.

Plus, many of my friends are struggling this year with having lost a mother or a child, or never having been a mother in the traditional sense. I understand that pain.

Being barren myself, Mother’s Day has been hard for me for a long time. I’ve never even gotten to experience the tiniest hope of life growing inside of me. Part of my heart will always grieve that loss.

Happily, God’s plan was for me to be an adoptive mother to this wonderful little girl. My first mother’s day was the day after I met our precious baby girl in the NICU.

Mother's Day is full of perfect images, but we're imperfect and that's how God's plan works best.
Love at first sight

It wasn’t the way we imagined, but God’s plan was, as always, perfect. We got to spend a few hours with her in the NICU every day for a week, which prepared us to care for her enough that we felt a little less insane when they let us drive away with this tiny human.

I took responsibility for her. Every memory she will ever have, I will be her mother. The weight of that is heavy. I promised God that if He saw fit to make me a mother, I would raise this child for Him. I’m doing the best job I know how to do each day. Some days are better than others.

Proverbs 22:6 (ESV)

Train up a child in the way he should go;
    even when he is old he will not depart from it.

My Christian walk is blossoming, but the race is long, and I have much to learn about knowing which way to go myself. Motherhood itself is fraught with a million decisions a day, balancing needs and wants, instant solutions with long-term consequences.

Motherhood is a million decisions, balancing needs & wants, with forever consequences. Click To Tweet

Today, we were on our first mother-daughter bike ride. She got a big girl bike for her 4th birthday and is still learning to use coaster brakes.

After a tricycle, she is having a rough time adjusting to this new bike. Five minutes into our ride, she dissolved into screaming tears.

I will climb mountains, slay dragons, fight bears to soothe away her tears.

I tried talking her down, but she was using her tears to refuse to learn. On this undeveloped cul-de-sac, I decided to do what was best for her in the long run – let her get independent. I told her what to do, told her to catch up, and rode toward the circle at the end of the block.

Stomach in knots, I listened for her tears, but heard nothing. I started to turn to check on her, and she pedaled past grinning and laughing. “This is so much fun, Mom!” she shouted whizzing by, sparkle streamers waving in the breeze.

She hadn’t needed me to physically push her at all. She needed me to push her to leap into independence. We ended up riding 2 1/2 miles together up and down the empty roads, learning a lot and having a hot, sweaty, sunshiney, wonderful day.

But I had to think about who she needs to be tomorrow, her first days of school, the first time a bully pushes her around or a friend hurts her feelings, high school peer pressure, college.

Letting her cry for five excruciating minutes today, helped her find her strength and courage inside. I still feel horrible that she had to cry at all. I struggle with not feeling like all her tears are some sort of parenting fail on my part, but the reality is, she has to learn control over her own emotions and persevere when she faces challenges.

What I can do is teach her who God is, who He wants us to be, and who she is to Him. So we pray, we talk about making choices, we talk about God being with us all the time.

Sometimes, all I know how to do is to talk out loud walking through my learning how to be a Godly mother.

At the end of the day, and this one had parenting wins and failures, I have to do my best to be a mom, a wife, a woman of God, and a human being. My strengths and failures will be part of her story, part of what she brings to the Lord as her gifts and wounds. The bible is full of miraculous stories of broken people God made whole and used to create miracles.

The Bible is full of miraculous stories of broken people God made whole & used in His plan. Click To Tweet

Moses murdered someone and hid in the desert for 40 years, stuttered terribly and didn’t respond enthusiastically to God’s command to free the Israelites from Egypt.

King David had a man murdered so he could marry the pretty neighbor lady he impregnated.

But God perfectly used these imperfect men, and so many more. We don’t come perfect, we just need to surrender all. His glory is made more obvious in our weakness.

1 Cor. 12:9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

So how do I train her up in the way she should go? Imperfectly, and demonstrate through my faults how I lean on Christ, so she knows how to do that someday as well.

Happy Mother’s Day to all of you, whether you’re celebrating with your mother or missing her, an adoptive or foster-mother, have 1 child or ten, or are a mother in different ways as part of the body of Christ. I hope your day was blessed with joy, peace, comfort and laughter, even if peppered with tears. May God hold you and all you call family in His hands tonight.

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Don’t Make Your Brown Eyes Blue

Raising my daughter to know her worth and beauty as a person for who she is, not who she looks like.

God Above All Else Christian Strong Ladies Summer Tee Shirt Click To ShopBefore we adopted her, I had imagined our daughter in my mind. I’m sure biological parents do this as well. I had no idea what she would look like, but I hoped for my blonde hair, the light blue eyes my husband and I share. I knew she could be another ethnicity or look as different from me as night from day, but I had hoped I’d see myself in her face.

Before her, the greatest love I’d ever known were for my tiny niece and nephew in whose faces at only a few weeks, I could see our family traipse across every expression. I didn’t know how it would feel to claim a child that looked nothing like me.

Then we met her in the NICU of an Texas hospital 4 years ago tomorrow. She had a round face, a rounded nose, and the darkest of brown eyes. She didn’t look like me at all. Her hair is brown, and her skin is olive toned, browning the moment she steps foot into the summer sun, just like my skin turns an embarrassed shade of pink.

Raising my daughter to grow into her beauty the way she is as a person, not because of how she looks, but because of who she is. And I love every bit of her so ferociously. I love the single freckle on her cheek, the slightly red sparkle to her hair in the bright sunshine, the ticklish spot on her neck, her ‘outie’ belly button. Her chocolate-brown eyes sparkle with life and light. My own seem pale in comparison. As she grows, so does her beauty, but the qualities that make her the most beautiful are her exuberance, unquenchable spirit, and indomitable joy. Her infectious laugh and insatiable curiosity fill every room. Somehow I love her all the more because she looks nothing like us, because she gets to write entirely her own story for us, none of that “she’s just like you were at this age” based on her DNA (although apparently the parental ‘I hope you have a child just like you’ curse works on adoptions, too).

But will she someday wish she looked like us? has she already and doesn’t have the words? She is already absorbing so much about the world. I worry if she will know how utterly beautiful she is because of who she is or will the media and playground bullies ever make her feel unpretty.

I came across an article yesterday (ABC News) about a doctor who has invented a laser process to remove the pigment from the iris, literally changing brown eyes to blue. While this procedure is not authorized or approved and could cause cataracts or glaucoma, my thoughts immediately went to my precious girl’s deep brown eyes and wondered if she would ever consider such a procedure as an adult. Would she risk her eyes to fit into some worldly version of beauty? I desperately pray that she never feels badly enough about herself to want to, but I know that very few women would describe themselves as beautiful. That some of the most naturally gorgeous women I know have told me they don’t feel attractive. I have always felt I’m pretty enough (post high school), but struggle with my weight.

Like my post from a few days ago, I know much of the parenting answer lies with me, the example I set about what beauty is and the way my husband demonstrates how he sees my beauty. I’ve taught her that she is beautiful because of her smile and heart. I try to say that we’re getting ‘fancy’ versus making ourselves beautiful when we fix our hair, but she sees me weigh myself, curl my hair, and put on jewelry.

We live in a society literally inundated with images of physical perfection. Even the kids on the Disney channel are model thin and picture perfect. Counteracting the multitude of messages she is getting won’t be easy.

But God is very clear about what He thinks is beautiful.

1 Peter 3:3-4 ESV  “Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.”

Teaching her to find and cultivate her hidden person of the heart with imperishable beauty that is found in a spirit completely sold out for Jesus, has to be a large part of stocking her inner arsenal against the waves of lies the world is waiting to throw at her. Also, surrounding her with women who live this identity in Christ is crucial. Some of the women who attend our church are like this, so beautiful from Jesus just glowing through them. These are the women I want my daughter to know, to love, to see, to emulate, not necessarily be quite so caught up in physical beauty, but it’s hard. She’s cute. I love taking pretty pictures of her, putting her in frilly clothes, and need to make sure I’m not sending her confusing messages. Because God doesn’t really see any of those things.

1 Samuel 16:7b ESV “For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”

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I wonder what I would think of her if I couldn’t see her face when she’s thinking, or her eyes sparkle in the sunshine when she is playing on the swings. If I could only see her behavior, would she seem as beautiful? Would I?

The world will judge our fashion sense, our bad hair days, our bodily imperfections, but only God sees with what we are truly made, and loves us from the inside out. He judges our hearts.

Proverbs 31:30 ESV  “Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.”

I think it is interesting that in just a few days, I’ve been meditating on what God wants from me, for me as a woman and parent, and I keep coming across verses that talk about how beautiful God finds the woman who fears Him, not as in afraid, but as in respects the righteousness and glory of our holy Creator.

Also, in those same few days, just my daily readings and perusals have brought answers to what God does not find beautiful. 1 Peter 3 talks about the outward appearance not being the source of beauty to God. In Isaiah 3, the wayward women of Zion are described as wanton, haughty, adorning themselves with necklaces, pendants, bracelets, scarves, anklets, etc.

The outward expression of who we are should be in our deeds of love and service to God and for one another; in that way we are made beautiful. I know that for me growing to understand how God sees me has made my own struggles with beauty and self-image grow fainter. The more I work on being truly beautiful in my heart as a Godly, gentle, loving woman, the less I care how the world judges the outside. But it took me 42 years to get to this place inside myself.

I don’t want her to ever waver from knowing where her true beauty lies, inside her heart and in the body that God knit together in her birth-mother’s womb. He gave her every feature, every strength, and every weakness so that she could become the beautiful work He has planned for her life and witness.

Maybe we should think in terms of “making ourselves beautiful” when we open the Bible, when we pray, when we choose to listen to God’s voice instead of our iVoice, when we fear the Lord and praise His name. Maybe then, she’ll make healthy choices to care for her body, but know that her beauty has nothing to do with medical procedures or iris pigment or body size. Beauty is in the quiet things between her and God.

Because the only eyes I want her to see herself through are her Heavenly Father’s eyes.

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Imagine your tiny tyrant – a Godly wife

This tiny tyrant rules my heart, but I need to raise her to be the woman and Godly wife she is meant to be.

How do I raise a Godly wife if I’m still learning how to be one?

I originally wrote this post two years ago, I’m both encouraged by how far I’ve come and humbled by how far I still have to go.

This morning I was reviewing the book I’m reading (The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace). The author discusses how she was a spoiled-rotten only child when she first got married. Her selfishness and lack of self-control were destroying her marriage.

I read this and for the first time really realized that my daughter is not only going to grow up to become an adult, woman, mother, but also probably someone’s wife.

I spent a couple of moments in imaginary terror, picturing my almost-four-year-old as a wife, crying over every slight, demanding her way, and throwing temper tantrums. Humorous, but not a pretty picture.

My daughter is a perfectly normal almost 4 year old. She plays nicely in her room, would watch PBS all day if I let her. She reads books, asks a million questions, loves life and her energy is boundless.

Sometimes her coping skills are overwhelmed by being hungry or tired, like any preschooler. Obviously, she will mature, but will she have the strength and peace to be a woman of God as an adult?

My tiny tyrant a wife someday? How do I prepare her to be a mature woman of God? Click To Tweet
Am I preparing her to be a Godly wife? How do I prepare her for that?

My daughter is almost 4, and hyper emotional. Every bumped knee or disappointment is the end of the world.

She is used to being the center of attention, and I’ve been wondering how to parent her appropriately to guide her into self-control, patience, self-reliance, gentleness, perseverance, and faith.

I’ve been quiet recently because we’ve been struggling with spring colds and her willfulness, and I’ve been seeking some of God’s answers.

My daughter has been a tiny tyrant for the past couple of weeks. Not everyday, all the time, but it’s been a daily struggle to deal appropriately with her deliberate disobedience.

But I think the answer to her current disobedient streak and to how to prepare her to be a wife or Godly woman are the same.

It begins with me. What kind of wife and mother am I? If I am angry, selfish, loud, short-tempered, she will internalize those attitudes just the way I internalized my mom’s cleanliness and organization.

I need to live the wife, mother, woman that I want her to see and grow to be. I want her to be joyful, loving, patient, kind, funny, strange, prone to dance parties and silly songs, devouring books and learning, and knowing she is loved by her earthly parents and Heavenly Father.

I need to live the wife, mother, woman of God I want her to be. I am the example she will… Click To Tweet

Just last night, I made dinner, had all the prep dishes washed, cornbread in the oven, coffee pots ready for the next day, salads waiting to be dressed, laundry washed and folded, even had time just to play mommy, and felt like a real grown up. I know – I’m 42.

I even managed be patient all day. It was just the daily life of a wife, but I felt really good about the day.  Why? Because the house felt not just tidy, but calm and peaceful, because I had been. For too long, my focus was how clean my house was instead of the condition of my heart.

Proverbs 19:14 House and wealth are inherited from fathers, but a prudent wife is from the LORD.

Would my husband say that I’m a gift from God? Whoa, I had to pray about that. And if not yet, how do I get there from here?

Proverbs 9:10 The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom,
    and the knowledge of the Holy One is insight.

Fearing the Lord is truly understanding God’s holiness, mightiness, omnipotence, righteousness and accepting our need for redemption. I immediately stopped and prayed with David from Psalm 86.

“Teach me thy way, O Lord; I will walk in thy truth: unite my heart to fear thy name” (Psalm 86:11).

Faith starts by understanding who we are in God and starting to live in humility. But faith has to be seen out loud, as well.

James 2:17-18 (ESV) 17 So also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead. 18 But someone will say, “You have faith and I have works.” Show me your faith apart from your works, and I will show you my faith by my works. 

I want my daughter to see my faith, my fear of the Lord, BY my works, by my life. We’re human. We nap, we play, we laugh, and we love each other. And we serve each other and God.

I want her to see that service to God in my heart as a joyful blessing and want to serve Him, too.

This tiny tyrant rules my heart, but I need to raise her to be the woman and Godly wife she is meant to be.

This verse is very convicting for my bold, aggressive spirit.

Proverbs 9:13  The woman Folly is loud; she is seductive and knows nothing.

The biggest change I could make would be to become soft, quiet, and gentle. What a beautiful witness that would be to my family!

1 Peter 3:4 but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. 

Recently, I’ve been feeling the Holy Spirit start to gentle me. My sinful nature is resisting, making me realize just how selfish I still am, but I see the beauty of a gentle spirit when I get it right.

When I get quiet, her unruly 4 year old nature doesn’t have a grip on my emotions like it used to. I can see her struggling with her sinful nature and guide her, instead of forcing her to deal with mine.

As a Godly wife, when I get quiet, he reaches for me and feels my love for him.

Titus 2:3-5 “3 Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.

Doesn’t that passage say so much? I need to be reverent, hard-working, self-controlled, pure, kind, submissive.

My answer for how do I teach her to be a Godly wife someday is right there. By example.

Proverbs 31:10 lists so many attributes of a Godly wife just in different translations of this one verse: noble, virtuous, capable, excellent, diligent, of strong character, valiant, and worthy. This wife’s price is above rubies.

How I long to exhibit this verse.

She will learn by my example. Even the world proves over and over we learn by imitation first and foremost, so I have to let the Holy Spirit work in me all day, every day so someday her husband can live in the home of my precious girl’s heart for God.

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Jesus, name above all names – Psalty’s Praise Album for Kids

Jesus, name above all names – Psalty’s Praise Album for Kids

Kids praise isn’t just for kids.

Today, my daughter, almost four, needed a nap. She has for the most part outgrown naps, but is growing and has just needed naps again this week. She couldn’t fall asleep over the busyness of the living room and wanted to be close to me instead of in her own room, so I turned on my iTunes Psalty Praise Album playlist for her. This is a CD I listened to (as an LP) when I was a child, and now she listens to the same songs. The music that I hadn’t heard in 30 years+ is so ingrained into my head that I knew every piece of dialogue and every song instantly when my mom bought her these cd’s last year.

I was playing the music and just sorting through my online tasks when this song came on. I’ve been struggling with my feelings of entitlement, not of riches or fame, but of being cherished and loved in an earthly, human weakness kind of way, and I’m losing. I ‘know’ I need to take my struggles to Jesus and ask him to be with me, but sometimes the how or the intangibility of God’s presence feels a lot like being alone. I am tired from all the physical struggles my body has put me through, I’m emotionally exhausted from trying to be the 1 Peter wife to my husband without fail, even when he isn’t the Ephesians 5:25-33 husband to me, or is so overcome by what the army is/does that he can barely be him, much less be anything for me.

I fell down yesterday, figuratively. I got angry and used words and tears to demand something from my husband he couldn’t give. I know it was sin. I asked his forgiveness, but I still feel broken over it, broken over the emotions that led to my melt down, and just alone. I feel wrecked inside. A dear friend, a lovely mentor in Christ, knows what I’m struggling with, knows the selfish needs and the fair ones, but pointed out Peter didn’t say act like this except . . . He said act like this. Period.

She also asked me to just focus on Jesus being my comfort, knowing he is with me, knowing he loves me, knowing he is suffering when I suffer and loving me even when the world or the people in my world aren’t right. When this song began to play, I felt Jesus’ presence. I felt his comfort and love. He didn’t save us to leave us alone. God is with us. And I celebrate being able to praise His name today and claim his redemption of all my sins, the ones from twenty years ago, the ones from yesterday, and the ones from tomorrow. Blessed redeemer, living word!

“Jesus, name above all names
Beautiful Savior, glorious Lord.
Emmanuel, God is with us.
Blessed Redeemer, Living word.

Jesus, name above all names
Beautiful Savior, glorious Lord.
Emmanuel, God is with us.
Blessed Redeemer, Living word.

Emmanuel, God is with us.
Blessed Redeemer, Living word.”

How precious are these words, how precious the knowledge that even at 42 I am God’s precious child. He wants to cradle me in His lap and wipe away my tears just as I do for my daughter. He wants to be present in my moments of deepest need and comfort me. I am so glad these songs and words are part of what I can share with my daughter and help her know she is never alone.