This week, life feels a bit like drowning.
I’m fairly certain I’m not doing this stay-at-home-mom thing right. At the very least, other people are doing it better.
I look at the crusty kitchen counter, the dog hair infested floor, the math worksheet she doodled all over (the I LOVE YOU’s are sweet, but what is 5+2?!), the three other subjects we didn’t get to, exercise bike taunting me, the completely unhealthy frozen pizza that is probably going to be dinner (again), and when was my last shower?!Life shouldn't feel like drowning when we're already saved. Am I doing THIS right? Click To Tweet
Other moms text me like – wanna hang out? and I stare at the message feeling like a failure. Obviously, they have some multi-tasking mom-mojo I’ve missed.
Because I don’t know how to do all this!?!?! and have time or energy for friendships, marriage and blog and myself and . . . the list just grows the longer I think about it. Every rushed day feels like a day I missed just watching my little girl grow up.
How is everyone else doing this momming thing better than I am? What am I missing?
I’ve been trying to hold it together for weeks, but I can’t. even. breathe. Saturday, my husband gave me six hours to be alone, and I just sobbed on the couch for most of that time.
Because life is never just life. It is the extra expenses I didn’t anticipate, injuries and illnesses, the simple tasks that go horrendously wrong. For example, I finally bought ink for my beautiful Pray Awake page, then spent three hours trying to fix printer driver errors. #ThanksGeekSquad
Take life add parenting, working, family, homeschooling and it is relentless.
Relentless, I say!
We all feel this way some days. You might have a toddler who broke your glasses, or an iPhone mysteriously in the washer, a clogged sink, or kids with a stomach bug, construction detours when you’re late, ailing parents, or difficult family issues, and that is just how it goes.
AM I DOING THIS RIGHT? Because this feels a bit like drowning.
But maybe, the kind of drowning that happens on TV, a character is splashing about, desperately waving, screaming for help until she finally realizes the water has been two feet deep the whole time.
Yeah, I’m drowning in a pool of my own making. Because I take TOO much responsibility for everything, including things that were never my job.
Many of the things I want in my life are good things, but are they God things?
Did He say we must live in a pristine house? Did God say my kindergartener would be deprived if I didn’t teach her a second language? Did he say I must personally juggle family, friends, marriage, job, and writing everyday?The things I want for myself and family might be good things, but are they GOD things? Click To Tweet
Or am I putting too much on my own plate before God gives it to me?
Yesterday’s sermon at church was about Elijah literally going from the height of God’s fiery demonstration at the altar to suicidal depression because of Jezebel’s persecution. From the outside, I easily saw how silly Elijah was to forget God was clearly with him.
But sitting in my seat, I knew that’s what I was doing with this panic.
I’ve had some great ‘God is working in my life for real’ moments over the past few months, then a couple hiccups and I’m down. What is with me?
I’m going to be real honest with you. I cried, and I prayed, and then slept on it twice before realizing a lot of my panic is fear.
It’s not trusting God for my family’s future, taking the weight of the world on my shoulders and letting my busyness replace waiting on Him.
Getting a handle on this panic means more time tuning out the world and turning to my bible and prayer, asking God for what I need. I hear Him whisper, You don’t have to do all this today, wait! I’m growing you for each next step. Stop rushing.
Isaiah 40:31 ESV / But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.
And relief floods my heart. The strength to handle tomorrow is being built by today. Just ride it, minute by minute, if necessary.
My desire to get to some picture-perfect version of myself forgot all the beauty that only a daily relationship with Christ over time will create in me.
In rushing, I’ve traded away God’s plan for my wants, only to discover myself in rags rather than His riches.In rushing, I've traded God's plan for my wants, only to find myself in rags not His riches. Click To Tweet
And now I’m crying again, because He is so faithful. In this panic, I didn’t become the harpy of my past. I opened my bible, prayed, sought Godly women, and let myself cry.
I’m not drowning; I’m learning to swim.