How to Handle Conflict as Christian Women
How we handle conflict as Christian women is so important because conflict can destroy the body of Christ and our witness if we don’t handle it well.
For a group of people who are supposed to be known by our love and unity, we don’t do conflict well.
It’s taken a lot of spiritual growth for me to learn better how to handle conflict.
John 17:21 ESV That they may all be one, just as you, Father, are in me, and I in you, that they also may be in us, so that the world may believe that you have sent me.
Learning how to live in this kind of unity is hard, but we should feel compelled to find a better way to handle conflict as Christian women, especially within the Church.
Because we can’t live in a perfect bubble in which all the women in our lives perfectly honor God in every interaction.
One powerful truth about handling conflict as Christian women is that we don’t always handle it well.
Women are relational beings. We seek harmony and closeness which makes us amazing mothers and friends, but the strong emotions that help us build relationships can run away with us and cloud our judgment if we don’t stay grounded in truth.
Often, we react from hurt, anger, or fear before we respond from a place of peace, especially if we feel criticized or hurt.
Don't react to conflict from hurt, respond from peace knowing your identity in Christ. Click To TweetEven if we try to enter a situation of tension with the right heart, a harsh tone or misunderstanding can put us on the defensive far too easily. I write this as one who struggles not to go on the defensive.
I really long to have friends who understand, respect, and treasure my friendship. Having at least a handful close friends who really “get me” is really important.
Without a strong foundation in Christ, I was vulnerable to conflict in ways that were destroying my tender heart.
Don’t react from hurt, respond from peace knowing your identity in Christ.
I had to start recognizing myself as a sinner, saved by only by God’s grace.
Which keeps me reminded to demonstrate humility in my relationships because my sins kept Christ on the cross too. It’s easy to worry about who was right and wrong when we forget how big God’s grace is.
I have to start with what could I have done differently before I let my feelings run away with me. When I don’t humble myself before God first, I don’t see the situation clearly.
It becomes about me being right or respected instead of the relationship or standing for God’s truths when we do need to do so.
Poor communication and a lack of grace can turn tiny slights into relationship destroying mountains when we don’t see each other person with the proper perspective. We assume we know what she thinks, or we give what she thinks too much weight.
And, you’re probably wrong about what she thinks.
When we assume someone’s thoughts, we’re presuming we understand so much about them. People process everything through past experiences, emotions, personalities, and even their mood or inner dialogue at the moment.
Making correct assumptions that take into account all those things is nearly impossible in the closest of relationships.
And we’ll use really crumby evidence, like an irritated facial expression or poor wording in a text message to support our negative thoughts, which are often based on our own insecurities.
A few years ago at Bible study, I spent the evening with a group of women talking about how as sisters in Christ, we often feel judged and criticized within the Body.
We began to talk about how we felt in specific situations within our study. And the more open we were, the more we realized that what we were feeling wasn’t even close to what the other people had been thinking.
For example, a couple of years ago, I would worry my house wasn’t nice enough when people came over but never complimented my decor. Joanna Gaines, I am not. Then a friend told me that my spotless house made her feel like she could never invite me over. She looked around my house and felt totally inadequate.
When I did go to her house, I was shamed by her willingness to be less than perfect, her bravery to be honest with her mess when I struggle with being vulnerable.
Lies we assumed the other person was thinking had held us both captive and divided our budding friendship.
We learned that real brokenness built more bridges than any pretense of perfection.
This is what we do to ourselves and each other when we try to guess what someone else is thinking.
I have really hurt people by assuming what they were thinking and built barriers to healthy relationships because I was hurt by my own assumptions.
And, honestly, what she thinks of you is none of your business.
What she thinks is her responsibility. I have to do the best I can to represent who I am in Christ and let the rest go. I can’t control how people perceive my behavior.
I am responsible for the condition of my own heart.
That is the powerful, freeing truth that finally let me stop worrying about what everyone else thinks.
I can only control myself. I can only take responsibility for myself and my actual actions.
Trying to control what everyone thinks will often backfire completely. A lot of my close family and friends are in different places with their beliefs than I am. I want nothing more than to be a witness to them for Christ.
However, trying to control every interaction and perception made me frantic. Unintentionally, I was so tense that I pushed away the very people I was doing my best to love.
I finally gave up and said this is the best me I have today, with the spiritual maturity I have at this moment.
If someone misinterprets who you are, keep reaching out, keep being genuine. Give opportunities to her so she’ll want to reevaluate who she thinks you are, but don’t let it get to you.
One lesson I’ve learned the hard way is if someone doesn’t want to be close with me, let them go.
Another powerful truth is . . . sometimes, it’s not me.
The other person’s perspective on the situation is based on her biases and experiences.
Sometimes you have to leave someone’s heart up to God. The most genuine kindness is can be misinterpreted by someone with a wounded heart or someone who isn’t right with God.
And we can’t take responsibility for that.
A few years ago, there was a woman who truly seemed to avoid me at every turn. I never had more than a ten minute conversation with her. Any perspective she had on me was superficial and likely faulty.
And I honestly have no idea what she felt about me. What I had to do is really lay it at God’s feet. Instead of feeling hurt and rejected, I have begun to pray for her and look for opportunities to love her.
Because my responsibility is what I think of her.
My responsibility is not what she thinks of me, but what I think of her. Do I think judgmental, hurt feelings at her?
Or do I give her the grace and benefit of the doubt I would want from her?
My responsibility in conflict isn't what she thinks of me but what I allow myself to think of her. Click To TweetI can choose to control my thoughts about her. When I have a negative thought or feel rejected, I pray for her and our relationship.
Three things to think about her when we face conflict:
First, she is beloved of God, and He is chasing after her heart just as much as he ever chased after mine.
Secondly, God calls me to love her more than I love myself. Instead of focusing on how her behavior affects me, I choose to demonstrate love for her in every interaction.
Lastly, God knows the deepest most secret places of her heart. In those places, God knows who she is, not just her facial expressions or words. And He knows who she will be. I cannot know that identity. I can’t even get close unless I’m close to her heart.
So, I need to treat her based on my relationship with Christ.
When you reach that point, are at peace, firm in your foundation as a child of God, it is only then you’re ready to handle the conflict without making it worse.
Steps to handling conflict as Christian Women
- Pray – pray for clarity in the situation and for her.
- Repent – if you’ve been arrogant or abrasive, judgmental or unkind, you need to repent and deal with your own heart.
- If you can, open the door to dialogue.
- Talk in person or over the phone. Text is easy to misinterpret.
- Apologize openly and easily.
- Instead of focusing on your truth, make sure the focus is God’s truth. Take ego out of the equation and be more willing to be open to what the Bible has to say.
- Do not gossip. If you need to run through the situation with a trusted friend, pick one far removed from the situation, don’t use names, keep it focused on the issue, not the person.
- Look for ways to care for her.
- If there is no way to address the conflict in the moment, pray for her and let God work. You never know how God will work in her life and yours.
Because, that is how we handle conflict as Christian women.
45 Comments
Anne | onedeterminedlife
I love this so much! So many good points
Jennifer
Thank you!
Jackie
Women are very sensitive sometimes but I think it all comes from a good place we just have to learn to be more caring with one another.
Sandra
I love your point about the way we are interpreting and ascribing meaning to what we think people are thinking based on our own insecurities. I have seen this over and over in my own life, and the lives of people I love.
Jennifer
Thank you! I find that when I assume, I’m often wrong. Better to leave it up to God and pray for a chance to clear the air.
Julie
Great post, Jen! I agree that I want friends that get me deeply! Even in the midst of messes and serious flaws!
Jennifer
Thank you!
Maria Hass
God has been dealing with me on forgiveness and what that looks like among friends. I am biting my tongue more than ever, being conscious of treating the person who is hurting me like the child of God she is. Like you said, God is not holding me accountable for what SHE thinks of me or what SHE says of me, but rather how I feel about her in my heart.
Jennifer
Exactly
Stephanie Malcolm
It is so easy to assume we know what the other woman is thinking and feeling, when in all reality we really have no basis to do so. Makes me wonder how many times I have taken something the wrong way and added friction to my friendships. Great post. Love this.
Jennifer
Thank you
Bethany
I love this! I’ve had to come to this same place (and remind myself again and again). There are just so many outside factors in trying to know someone and interpret what’s going on. Gotta be responsible for yourself and leave the rest to God.
Jennifer
Thank you
Rebekah
It is so easy to misjudge intentions and meaning in a world of internet/computer relationships. Even though your post wasn’t specifically about that, I find that these thoughts are helpful for me as I interact with those online. Thanks for sharing!
Jennifer
I hope it encourages as you strive to be a witness and friend online which is so tricky.
Isabella Cox
This is some really good insight. I actually learned a lot about myself and the way I deal with conflict through the ‘Love and Respect’ series lol. I never realized how much of my conflict with others is caused by my own misinterpretation of things or my inability to cope with conflict without ‘resolution’. I mostly had male friends when I was younger because I had a hard time with women! It has been hard to let grudges go in the past but it is so true we need to love other women same as Christ loves them, always. It’s not easy being female!
Jennifer
Yes! We take small things and make them mountains!
Carole Sparks
Just think how freeing it would be if we all owned this: “My responsibility is not what she thinks of me, but what I think of her. ” It’s so true that we don’t–can’t–know what another person is thinking. Thanks for saying it.
Jennifer
It is an every time I leave the house challenge.
Kristi
Jen, this is such a good post. Conflict is so difficult especially when we don’t know why it’s happening. It’s so difficult to go through. I’m the type of person who wants to resolve issues and there have been a couple times where I’ve lost a friend because I didn’t know what the conflict was and so didn’t know how to resolve. Assuming the other person knows what the problem is without ever talking to the person about the problem will never solve the problem.
Jennifer
Thank you! Sometimes people can’t talk about it, don’t know how to have a tough conversation or the hurt is too raw. Sometimes time and prayer is all we can offer.
Carissa
It can be so hard not to react negatively our of our own hurt. I love how you give us ways to refocus and think about the needs of the other person, and not just about our own feelings.
Jennifer
It does wonders for my hurts and the relationship at the same time.
Michelle Adserias
I’d be wealthy if I had a dollar for every time someone unintentionally hurt me, or I unintentionally hurt someone else. I love your reminder to keep the focus on who we are in Christ and who we are to each other in Christ. “Love covers a multitude of sins!”
Jennifer
Absolutely! Giving people grace or the benefit of the doubt over those unintentional slights is gigantic in freeing us from our hurts!
Cherrilynn Bisbano
Thank you for this poignant article. I was misunderstood and it resulted in my friend being hurt. My heart aches that we are not speaking. I asked for forgiveness but there is still no communication on her part. I press into Jesus and receive my comfort from Him.
Jennifer
And pray! I have had several relationships restored when I left them up to God.
Deborah D. Crawford
Wow, been there, done that. Thanks Jen, for speaking truth and offering resolution. “I am responsible for the condition of my own heart” speaks volumes to me. May we women be open to forgiving each other in Jesus’ name.
Jennifer
Amen! Thank you!
Katie
So enjoyed this post!!! This was my favorite thought:”We learned that messy, real brokenness built more bridges than any pretense of perfection. ” What a beautiful message to be more concerned with Christ’s opinion of us and let everyone else deal with their own opinions and thoughts.
Jennifer
Thank you!
Chelsea Bolks
“Right now, there is a woman I see often who seemingly goes out of her way to avoid saying hello or even making eye contact. But I’ve never had more than a ten minute conversation with her. Any perspective she has on me is superficial and likely faulty.
And I honestly have no idea what she feels about me. She might think I don’t like her. She may feel I’ve judged her somehow. What I’ve had to do is really lay it at God’s feet. Instead of feeling hurt and rejected, I have begun to pray for her and for opportunities to love her.
Because what is my responsibility, is what I think of her.
My responsibility is not what she thinks of me, but what I think of her. Do I think judgmental, hurt feelings at her? Or do I give her the grace and benefit of the doubt I would want from her?”
Love this part so much. There is that one person in my life that almost always makes me feel crummy to be around, I guess we all know “her”. Nonetheless, she is a child of God. All I can do is keep being kind to her and hope and pray that one day her heart would soften towards me!
Susan Evans
So many times women jump to conclusions just because of minor things that are misinterpreted. I wish we would all believe the best in each other.
Jennifer
Exactly
Melissa
Women are so relational and at the same time so unsure of ourselves that we seek connection but become easily hurt. Thank you for the post. It is a great reminder that we don’t have the ability to change or alter anyone else but ourselves and we need God to do it! God bless!
Jennifer
So freeing to leave it up to Him. I’ve had many relationships come back to being full, healthy friendships by praying and patiently waiting.
Jess
I have a family member that gets easily offended; I never know when she is going to misread a text or something I’ve said. I’ve tried explaining further so that she wouldn’t get her feelings hurt, but after years of doing this, I’m tired of offending her when I haven’t said anything remotely offensive. I gave it all to God and I stopped trying to tip-toe around her insecurities. Thanks for encouraging me to keep leaving it to God and loving her like Christ!
Jennifer
I have so many situations like that. And the need to keep explaining- oh, I’ve been there!! Like maybe if I say it differently, she’ll hear my heart. But she never does, always assumes the worst possible meaning. I can’t tell you how much freedom I have in letting go worrying about those kinds of opinions. I strive to represent the best intentions, the best of Christ, but I can’t worry anymore about people determined to take everything the wrong way. Amen, sister!!
Alice Mills
This is so true on so many different levels. I think women get jealous of each other very easily. Envy is the subtext of a lot of female discord. I have lost friendships because of it and still grieve over them.
Jennifer
Oh yes! Envy or feelings of inadequacy cause so many conflicts.
Angela
This is good. Women are often in conflict. Such wisdom here. Thanks for writing it friend.
Jen
Oh, this is so good, Jen! We do so often react from a place of insecurity and doubt rather than from our identity in Christ. This is a message we all need to hear!
Jen 🙂
Jennifer
Thank you, Jen!
TAMIKA MAY
This section, “Honestly, what she thinks of you is none of your business.
What she thinks is her responsibility. I have to do the best I can to represent who I am in Christ and let the rest go. I can’t control how people perceive my behavior. A tiny look could be completely misinterpreted. I can’t live my life afraid to make a face! I’d need a truckload of Botox! ” gives me a rebuke and a breath of fresh air. Thank you foor ALL of this!
Jennifer
Thank you for saying so! I always need the encouragement to keep writing what is on my heart!