Helping Your Kids When Military Life Hurts

Sometimes, military life hurts. I’ve cried a lion’s share of tears waving at white buses carrying my soldier away or moving away from treasured friends. But today, it wasn’t my heart that hurt.

Thankfully, our family is past most of the ways military life hurts. We’ve faced and survived our last deployment. We’ve posed for pictures at his retirement ceremony. For all intents and purposes, we’re civilians now. Except, we didn’t leave our military community.

And it’s PCS season.

For my non-military readers, PCS stands for permanent change of station. It isn’t really permanent, but means for the length of your orders you will be stationed at one base. PCS season is usually May-September and involves huge turnover in military communities.

We’ve all seen those cute puppy memes that say, “I don’t want to adult today.”

Today, I just held her as we both cried. Inside I was yelling, “I don’t want to Army today!”

While children are resilient, I’ve watched her go through a few rough PCS seasons, truly understanding what it means to lose her friends.

Sometimes military life hurts.

Since we’ve been married, we’ve been ‘permanently’ stationed at Fort Campbell, KY; Fort Hood, TX; and Fort Benning, GA. And we finished our active duty military life at Benning.

Which means, we’ve become the family that doesn’t move while many of our friends will eventually. We cry and ache and pray for new friends for them and for us.

So, we’ve faced this PCS beast before.

But it doesn’t get easier. Now that my daughter is nine, she has faced letting go of many friends over the years. And she knows how permanent a PCS is and that being pen-pals is a sorry substitute for afternoon chats over sidewalk chalk on the driveway.

This summer on vacation, we happily connected with some dear friends who PCS’d three years ago. We felt like no time had passed, but were also more acutely aware of how much we miss those precious ladies.

Then, she said goodbye to a friend who has been very special to her this year. This is her first goodbye of a friend that was just hers, not the child of a family friend or neighbor.

We’ve known this day was coming for months, but nothing makes it real until it is.

First thing that Saturday, her friend stopped by before the moving van pulled away. There were hugs and pictures and promises to write. They held each other and tried to smile through barely controlled tears.

After the last good-bye, my daughter walked back into the house.

I said her name, and it all fell apart. She rushed into my arms. Tears poured down her cheeks.

The reality is grim for a nine year old girl. She will likely never see this friend again. Sometimes, military life can be cyclical and people come back. And like last week, sometimes we are blessed enough to reconnect with special people, but most often, they just leave footprints on our hearts.

Sometimes, military life hurts. We hope that goodbyes are just see-you-laters, but most often, people just leave footprints on our hearts. Click To Tweet

For the first time, she is hurting alone.

Usually, I’m crying with her as my friend drives away too. Last year, we were all a hot mess as a family we all loved drove away.

But now, it’s just her ache. And I’m trying to help her navigate it.

How to help your kids when military life hurts

• First, validate their feelings.

I treated her like a friend. Without trying to rationalize or reason away the pain, I just held her and sat with her in it. She needed my presence more than anything I could say.

Just be present.

Resist the urge to try to rush through the painful parts. Learning to sit in the grief when life hurts takes perseverance. Help your children build this skill in little ways now.

We don’t have to run from the pain. It’s okay to hurt. Hurting means someone mattered to you.

• Secondly, let her talk.

Listening to what she is thinking and feeling allows her to process her feelings. I can also hear where her heart is. She may already know all the right answers or she may need some emotional guidance.

Sometimes, listening is the only thing we can offer someone who is hurting.

Not every child will process out loud, but if you have an external processor like mine, she will talk herself through her feelings. Processing her emotions verbally will help her more than advice. It’s hard, but wait to offer solutions.

• Third, pray together.

We can’t fix it. We can’t undo it or magically take away the pain. But we can demonstrate for our children how to take those hurts to the Lord and put them in His hands.

Today, I led the prayer for her. We prayed for a safe trip for her friend, to keep in touch, and for God to provide a new home with a great school and new friends for both of the girls.

Make sure to pray specifically for the hurt and sadness and fears that accompany whatever aspect of military life your child is facing. And if you don’t have all the answers, it’s okay to say that out loud to God.

“Dear Lord, I don’t know why this had to happen today. My heart is heavy. Please comfort us and help us trust your timing for our lives and the lives of those we love.”

• Next, make a plan to do something.

When you can’t do anything to change the situation, it’s easy to feel helpless. But having a plan of something to do right now can make a big difference.

If your child is facing the deployment of a parent, plan a Hershey’s kisses countdown until they return. Go to the post office and get shipping boxes for care packages.

Draw a picture or write a letter immediately. Writing allows us to experience our emotions and process them in a safe way that helps lessen the hurt.

We planned ahead of time to use a messaging app (Marco Polo) from my phone to her mother’s phone so the girls can send short video messages to each other and stay in touch.

• Do something fun.

Don’t rush the grief, but don’t lay down and wallow in it either.

Watch a favorite movie. Listen to a song. Go for a drive. Cook a meal together. Plan a picnic.

It’s important to remember all of the good things God has given us especially when we’re in the midst of sorrow.

Remember that the same Army that took that person away, brought them into your life in the first place, and will bring new friends each season as well!

• Lastly, keep pointing back to God.

Nothing happens beyond His reach. He is waiting for her friend in their new home. He is waiting for my daughter right here.

Life is going to have many hard times. I need to keep pointing her back to God when she faces hurts. The world has plenty of “solutions” waiting for us, but none of those are more than temporary patches for our pain.

Only Jesus gives real hope. And in Him, we know we will see our friends again.

I can’t erase her pain when military life hurts, but I can show her how to trust God with her heart. As she grows, the hurts and disappointments will too. She needs to have practiced going to the Cross and inviting God to walk with her through her valleys.

This is part of discipling our children. In Philippians, Paul showed us how to seek God’s comfort in sorrow. And that is the kind of example I hope to be for my daughter.

When military life hurts, we need to teach our kids to turn to the one who’s really in control of it all.