Trusting God that nothing is wasted is sometimes hard.
Sometimes when life is on an easier street, we do a good job feeling like we’ve put it all in His hands, but when the speed bumps start coming and getting bigger and bigger, we start to ask questions. We start wondering “Why me?” or “Why him?” or just “Why?”
And it gets downright disastrous. How can a loving, merciful God let THIS happen? Whatever your THIS might be. I have a lot of “This”es in my life.
Today, I stand in an easier stretch of life than some I’ve had, but harder than others, trying really hard to learn to trust so I have an anchor when things aren’t smooth.
One thing I’ve struggled with is why God didn’t open my eyes sooner, why wasn’t I saved earlier. I was striving to be good all by myself, and falling short, then falling away. I sometimes get so frustrated that I wasted so many years of this too short life being angry, snarky, bitter, negative, and miserable without Jesus.
And I don’t know why, but I know God loves me. He wouldn’t have let me go through something without purpose. This is where I cling to a passage in Romans.
Romans 8:28 ESV “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”
And I cling to the times in my life that I now can see God’s hand in retrospect. The ladies I understand better because I’ve worn their shoes.
One story, not mine, that I think is particularly beautiful (even in the middle of the mess) is that of a dear friend.
She became ‘surprise’ pregnant before her oldest son’s first birthday. Having babies so close was already going to be ‘interesting’, but then during her husband’s deployment, she learned the baby was chromosomally gifted (Down’s Syndrome).
She was alone and struggling with what the diagnosis would mean for her baby and family. She then spent the next two years living in a world of appointments, specialists, therapists, and surgeons. Her whole life became an emergency. She had two children under two with significant needs, all-the-time.
Hard doesn’t begin to touch it. Many days were joyful, but even good days, had challenges so demanding and draining.
I would get tired FOR her because she didn’t have time to be tired. We cried together on the phone many times. This new reality was no joke. She was on her own often due to her husband’s military obligations, struggling to juggle the needs of both boys and herself.
She was worn out, but growing stronger, finding her stride. Then he was diagnosed with a form of leukemia.
And somehow she came out swinging. This battle is ridiculously hard. She has to live two hours away from her oldest son and husband for six 30 day cycles of chemo. Six months of living in the hospital, which has unforeseen expenses, like gas money and $300 a month parking which are not covered by insurance, or more recently a bill for $128,000, that she handled in stride, knowing that God has an answer.
She is watching one son lose his ginger locks to chemo, while her oldest begs her not to leave him again. She has to live in isolation for about a third of each cycle so she doesn’t risk getting a germ that could kill her baby in his immuno-compromised state. I don’t want to sugar coat it; this is a whole new level of suckitude.
BUT – from the outside I can see perhaps what she can’t yet. How unbelievably gorgeous she is.
She had a week to wrap her head around the diagnosis, plan to be gone for most of 8 months, and made binders and care packages. She is still calling me to check on me!! She is witnessing and ministering to her fellow moms on the hospital floor. She is covered in poop and puke daily, but they are having dance parties, shaking it off with Taylor Swift. That is Will’s favorite song, no matter how badly the chemo is making him feel, he can summon dance moves for Taylor.
None of this is the easy part, but I can see that the trials preceding this present darkness gave her the tools and strength to handle the cancer and all its fallout. Even as she battles exhaustion, I know that she never could have handled this if she hadn’t run a lifetime of metaphorical marathons for the past two years.The trials preceding this present darkness had purpose in the preparation for this moment.… Click To Tweet
Jeremiah 29:11 ESV “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.”
We all love this verse and cling to it in the dark times, but remember verses 4-10? God told them to settle down, build houses, marry, have children, and watch those children get married. The exile was to last 70 years, more than a lifetime for many hearing this message, but they were to have hope that God hadn’t forgotten them, and his plan included the exile.
How do you hang onto hope when the darkness of a loss or a particular struggle might last your entire life?
We have to know that nothing is wasted. Nothing!
A difficult day or a lifetime thorn in our flesh is part of God’s perfect plan for all those who follow him. But His plan stretches into eternity; a lifetime is but a blink. Our perspective of trust has to believe that the ripples of our lives can be used and have purpose beyond us.
I think about my friend, who last night lay with red rimmed eyes, begging for sleep, as her son was wild and miserable at 1 a.m. But woke ready for another dance party. Her witness, her love for her son, her passion and exuberance are reaching people for Christ even as she grows in grace and beauty, even as the Lord smooths out her rough edges.
When I’m broken by life, I can always call her – always. Hours away, I didn’t know what I can do for her, but I started a fundraising page so that she would at least know she is being loved and prayed over by many. Sometimes in the darkness, that quiet love is more powerful than we know.
Friends and strangers came together and raised enough to cover all their expenses. God showed her tangibly He was present even on the cancer ward. He used us to encourage and minister to her.
I wrote this almost a year ago, but even more than in the moment, I can see nothing is wasted. Through this she ministered to many, living Christ in the midst of chaos.
Now, on the other side of cancer, she can see how much God used that difficulty in her life to bring her into the lives of others, to instruct her heart, to refine her for His purposes.