Are your Expectations Ruining your Life?
Expectations are sneaky buggers. They are often so engrained into our ideas of normal that we forget we have them at all. We have all these cultural expectations that we don’t even question.
For example, think about the 4th of July. Most Americans immediately picture patriotic picnics and hotdogs on the grill. If our day looks different, we can feel a little let down.
And when these ingrained expectations aren’t met, we can experience real costs in our lives.
I sometimes don’t even realize I had expectations until I find myself disappointed. And then I’m upset, angry, sad, etc. because I set myself up for failure.
My expectations were ruining my life.
I was missing out on the true joys and blessings of my life because I was letting Hollywood and Hallmark take up too much space in my head. Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, and birthdays were supposed to look a certain way.
One year, I almost ruined my own birthday with my expectations.
In the years since, I have seen how God has walked with me through recognizing my unmet expectations and learning to let go of them. I’ve learned that when I feel disappointed and invisible, He is the God who sees me, even when no one else does.
I’ve also learned that when I can’t change the world, I can change me.
So much of how we experience life is really about our perspective. Is the glass half empty or half full? I’ve learned to be happy I have a glass and running water. I can refill my spiritual cup with the Living Water.
In a world of people who see the glass half full or empty, be the person happy to have a cup and running (Living) water. Are your expectations ruining your life? Change them. #ChristianWoman #Faith #ChristianBlogger Click To TweetAround Mother’s Day, I often see so many struggling in their relationships because the holiday didn’t go as expected.
And hurting women let disappointment turn into a burr between themselves and their families.
I sadly remember all the Valentine’s Days, birthdays, trips, and anniversaries that turned into balls of hurt in my house because of my wrong expectations that didn’t offer any grace to the love of my life.
Somehow, I expected my husband to say the words that would make all the late nights, emotional exhaustion and struggles of being a wife and mother worth it. I wanted him to find the gift or flowers that would make me feel for just ONE day that he truly sees and appreciates me.
I was putting the pressure of my expectations on him instead of taking them to the Lord.
And with all the weight I was giving these particular calendar days, nothing was ever going to satisfy.
Because nothing of this world truly satisfies.
Now, I can see all the ways my husband shows me how much he appreciates me everyday. But I was missing it because I was so focused on my emotional needs.
The year I almost ruined my birthday changed everything. The day had been pretty low-key, a fine day, but I couldn’t get over my disappointment at not receiving any kind of gift.
After feeling a bit dejected and debating with myself about telling him how I felt, I decided not to say anything and be grateful for all the blessings I had.
Five minutes later, he came out from the bedroom with a jewelry set he had purchased months earlier. It was special hypoallergenic gold due to my bizarre metal allergy. I felt like such a jerk. My unmet expectations almost ruined his thoughtful surprise.
I almost missed a real expression of his love for me because I wanted to dictate what it should look like.
Most Mother’s Days, I don’t wake up to a perfect bouquet or breakfast in bed. But my days have been just right.
Why? What changed? Me.
First, I stopped placing my value and worth as a mother in the hands of my husband. I would love a moment of recognition from him, but I don’t need it.
I stopped placing my value and worth as a mother in the hands of my husband. And I stopped expecting one day to determine how well I'm loved. Are your expectations ruining your life? #MothersDay #Holidays #ChristianBlogger Click To TweetMy identity as a woman, mother, even wife is in Christ and the fullness of God.
Ephesians 3:17-19 ESV “So that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith . . . and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.”
I have learned to let God’s love fill me so that I overflow with His fruit: love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Even though I still do those things imperfectly, I recognize I am growing in grace as I grow in Him.
So I set my expectations for holidays now on what I want for myself. On Mother’s Day, I want a day of being the mom I really want to be everyday: fun, patient, kind, joyful.
Spending the day being a mom and connecting with the people I love is the best gift.
Does one day really measure my worth or his love?
When I quit having expectations, I got to see more fully who my husband is, appreciating and loving the whole of him, and experiencing the joy of the day as it unfolds.
My first Mother’s Day of letting go of expectations, my husband didn’t make me breakfast in bed, because he wanted to wait to ask me what I would like to have. He didn’t buy me a gift, but researched a special place for me to choose exactly what I wanted. He spent his afternoon cleaning out the pool so I could have the first swim of the year.
His quiet thoughtfulness was more precious to me than any gift.
For years, I missed the real gifts because of my wrong expectations.
Sometimes we feel invisible and ignored. No one sees us up at midnight, straightening the living room or washing dishes. Laundry magically folds itself and finds its way back into drawers, or maybe you magically earn the paycheck that keeps your house from belonging to the bank.
One or two days a year doesn’t change who you are and won’t heal days you were taken for granted or ignored. But rest assured, God sees you. He sees your every moment.
The work and struggle of being a wife, mother, friend, sister is not invisible to Him. And I find so much joy when I remember that I’m serving Him through caring for my husband.
Matthew 5:14 ESV “You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden.”
Don’t let the darkness steal true joy from your grasp. Even on this side of heaven, jewelry and flowers pale in comparison to the joy of the Lord in the ministry where He has placed you, in this place, with this family.
2 Corinthians 4:18 ESV “As we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.”
Focus on the eternal blessings, and you might find greater joy than you expected in the first place.
33 Comments
Lauramae Prater
I first read this post a few years ago but it showed back up for me again. It is just as timely, if not more so now, than it was the first time. Right now with all that has been going on in this world our expectations can take control. Unmet expectations can cause a lot of issues in a marriage.
Jennifer
Absolutely!!
Kris
This is so timely. I’ve been thinking about this very thing this week. I was letting unmet, subconscious expectations affect my joy. And that was not OK with me when I finally recognized what was happening. Thanks for this timely reminder.
Jennifer
I’m glad it resonated with you! Those expectations are sneaky buggers!
Angela Sackett
I can ONE HUNDRED PERCENT relate to this! Expectations will let me down EVERY TIME. But man, the joy when we let those go and really REVEL in God’s goodness – then the other stuff is frosting!!!
Jennifer
Yes, amen!
Timberley Gray
Such a great encouragement for mom’s. I too have found when you don’t have an expectation there’s no disappointment. Stopping by from By His Grace Bloggers.
Jennifer
Very true
Susan Shipe
I place no expectations on anyone human!!!!
Jennifer
That is a good plan! Only God won’t let us down!
Olivia
I love this quote: “I sometimes don’t even realize I had expectations until I find myself disappointed.” I think this is such a great indicator of our expectations and innate desires. I have been struggling with the same question lately and I think it’s always something that we will need to check in with ourselves on. Are all expectations bad though? Sometimes disappointment can reveal an unmet need that we should expect from loved ones (respect, etc.), which can indicate that changes need to be made. But where I definitely agree with you is that we need to learn to manage those expectations so that we aren’t weighed down with bitterness or resentment. Thanks for the food for thought!
Jennifer
But should we expect respect? God tells us how to treat others not how they should treat us. I don’t think he wants us to place expectations on anyone. We need to remember we are sinners and need grace so we extend grace when people fail us too.
Michelle
It’s so true! Our own expectations (especially when it is fed by the world) can really ruin reality — even when reality was actually pretty great! x
Jennifer
Yes, we miss the great things because we were looking for something else.
Liz Giertz
Yup! Unmet expectations are one of the top-ten reasons marriage gets messy! Such a timely reminder to manage them well and look to God to fulfill us in every way! Blessings!
Jennifer
It’s a reminder I need often myself!
Annie
You have no idea how much I needed this reminder today! Thank you so much. 💕
Kristi Woods
It’s so easy to place our expectations on others, isn’t it? Good word here on how our expectations can ruin our life.
Jennifer
Thank you. It’s so easy for to do for sure v
Crystal
I definitely had my focus not where it should have been today, almost ruined my birthday. **big sigh** I had such high expectations…and when things didn’t happen the way I wanted I threw a huge fit. I was crying, praying, eating cake for breakfast and wondering what to do. A few minutes later my husband came in–I thought he would be at work all day, he walked in, hugged me and I finally realized that was all I needed. He made my day so much better and I let go of the rest of the expectations and let the day go. Right now we are doing something I want–sitting in Starbucks yay! Before our late night dinner date. He puts up with my craziness, I really don’t deserve him! I’m rambling Jen, 🙂 But I will remember this from your post: Focus on the eternal blessings, and you might realize you had the wrong expectations in the first place.
Jennifer
I’ve been there too. I’ve thrown fits and ruined celebrations or vacations because I had wrong expectations. Keep failing forward and growing. You’ll be fine!
Joni
to eat IF (GRRR)
Joni
Funny..I told Douglas that this year I do not want anything from him. I know it would have been out of obligation and that’s just not how I want to be loved. I ended up with a migraine and he catered to my every need. He made sure that the house was quiet and that I had something to eat in I was actually ready to eat. He held down the fort and to me that was much more then a bunch of flowers. 😀
Jennifer
Yes. Chad took care of the house and let me have a day off in many ways. So much better than jewelry.
Laura
I love this! Expectations have ruined (at least partly) relationships that I have had. Those experiences taught me that I needed to start being more realistic. I love how you emphasize that our self worth doesn’t come from others. We need to look to God for that kind of fulfillment. Such good advice here!
Jennifer
Thank you, Laura. Yes, it isn’t just our marriages that suffer when we let our thoughts and expectations get away from us. In a Pinterest world, it is so easy to picture things way out of real life probabilities.
Laura Prater
Oh goodness I really had to learn this! My husband rocks our Anniversary but every mothers day he…well he just doesn’t do as well. 🙂 This year was by far our best Mother’s Day because I didn’t have expectations. After we really talked and communicated, we have both learned to give 🙂
billfieldsrealworld
using your pic on my big tv casting, love it…beautiful,,u r a commuicator
bill fields
Jennifer
Love you, Dad
Tammy @ creativekkids
I have had to learn in this area as well. My first Mother’s Day was terrible because of my expectations. Communication was needed, but now it is much better as I have learned to accept love in a different way than I saw growing up.
Jennifer
We have to learn to accept the way they love. We hope they will try to love us our way, but accepting them is so important.
Coupon Diva (@RealCouponDiva)
sounds to me like you have a great marriage! 😀
Jennifer
We have our challenges, but we do love each other which makes it better every day.