Learn How to Love Your Husband: the Key is Secret Service
Learning how to love your husband can be as simple as secret service. It was the key to unlocking my bitter, angry heart and learning to love my husband again, which, in turn, saved our marriage.
What I really needed to learn was how to love your husband according to the Bible!
We still really loved each other, but something was very broken. My husband was angry all the time. I was bitter. We could barely talk about anything without bickering, so we didn’t. I did my thing. He did his. We slept in the same bed, but we weren’t any kind of team.
(keep reading for how dirty underwear brought lasting change to my marriage)
By the time we tried to communicate, we were boilers ready to explode, harboring so many hurts and slights.
Using every human method to communicate that I knew, we couldn’t find solid. I was desperately trying pop psychology and self-help books.
But my marriage was still failing!
A year after he returned from his last deployment, I didn’t know if we were going to make it. I was trying so hard to be a “good” wife while he was such a selfish jerk.
He didn’t care about how his choices affected me at all. He used the last of the milk, broke my favorite dishes with his carelessness, and left me at home with the stomach flu and a toddler so he could go hunting.
If I ever dared to complain, he would shut me out completely or explode with rage.
The train wreck of our marriage was hiding so many broken pieces.
I didn’t know where to begin to learn how to love my husband again.
While I wasn’t ready to leave, I was heartbroken. I didn’t see how I could live the rest of my life with this awful person who hurt me at every turn.
Guarding my heart from him, I walked on eggshells whenever we were together. Often, I went to bed aching with loneliness, wishing he would start being what I needed.
What a selfish creep . .
I was.
Wait, what?
Yep, I’d been angry and bitter because I’d been expecting my husband to fill my heart in the places God should be. I was bitter from my selfish, unmet desires.
Before I could learn how to love my husband, I had to learn how God loves me.
I began seeking God’s answers for my life. At first, when I read about letting God be my portion, it didn’t make sense, but I kept reading my bible and praying about it.
Lamentations 3:24 ESV “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.”
Over time, the Holy Spirit opened my eyes to my need for grace, and understanding God’s love for me. It unlocked my heart.
A veil lifted.
I was able to see other people as loved creations of God struggling with their own sins and hurts.
I stopped seeing my husband as someone responsible for filling my heart, but as someone whose heart was so empty, he could barely function.
Then, I realized I’d been keeping score for a long time. I won’t do this for him because he didn’t do that for me. Each check mark against him cemented a brick in the wall between us.
Even when I had been doing the right things, I’d had the wrong heart. I would hold up my pretty list of all the wonderful chores I had done for him during the day and wait for his gratitude. Most of the time, I got nothing or a mumbled thanks, then I got hurt and more resentful.
But God really convicted me, “Are you truly doing things to serve or to get something from him?”
My motives weren’t pure. I wanted his love, recognition, respect.
I needed to learn how to love my husband unconditionally.
Unconditional love is how we offer love to others without counting the cost or return, which is how we also serve those in need.
A lesson from my Bible reading came to mind, about how we are to serve those in need.
Matthew 6:1-34 ESV “Beware of practicing your righteousness before other people in order to be seen by them, for then you will have no reward from your Father who is in heaven. “Thus, when you give to the needy, sound no trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may be praised by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward. But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you.
Was my husband needy?
Maybe not in the traditional sense, but what if his poor attitude was because I was hurting him or not fulfilling his needs?
Through the lens of God’s grace, I suddenly saw my husband weighed down with pain, war, loss, frustration, disrespect, exhaustion, like black chains dragging him down into despair.
I realized I had been treating him as if he were deliberately interfering in my happiness and trying to be unkind instead of seeing his pain.
As God’s word poured grace and forgiveness into my heart, I began to feel His love, and I started to fill up my husband’s cup out of the overflow of my heart.
Once I learned the secret to loving my husband well, I began my secret service.
Finally, I felt loved enough to be able to love others. I could serve him secretly, not because I didn’t want him to know, but because I didn’t need him to. Our Father sees what we do in secret.
Quietly, I began doing things without his asking, like noticing his toiletries need replacing, making his lunch, preparing his coffee, and even encouraging him to go hunting when his week has been frustrating.
Part of learning how to love my husband meant understand the battles he is fighting. The peace and quiet in the woods was how he was dealing with the results of years spent in combat.
Loving my husband according to the Bible even meant picking up dirty underwear.
One job I would never have considered before surrendering to Christ was picking up my husband’s dirty underwear off the bathroom floor.
Every morning – He walks past his closet (where his hamper is) to leave the house, but it never fails that his underwear are on the floor under the edge of the vanity. Previously, I would have ignored them, kicked them, but picked them up – ugh, no thank you.
My heart was more blessed doing quiet, secret service for him than it ever was by nagging him. Click To Tweet
But God was working on me.
When God began to show me the selfishness of my own heart and how to love my husband unconditionally, I realized that my reaction to those underwear is what really needed to change.
Before, I would have nagged him about being so lazy for leaving them there. My nagging would have become an infection between us.
Proverbs 21:9 ESV It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.
I realized how destructive my nagging was when the Holy Spirit brought this verse to mind as I was grumbling to myself over the underwear.
So I focused on learning to quit nagging. Then, I would kindly ask him to pick them up, but secretly resented those stupid underwear.
God convicted me that asking nicely wasn’t enough. I needed to see those underwear differently. I could have a perfectly organized house or a home that was lived in.
So, I began to pick them up with a grateful attitude. “Thank you, Lord, my husband is not in Iraq.”
Today, I pray over those underwear.
“Lord, thank you for this opportunity to serve my husband, thank you for a marriage that is working, please remind me that all my service is for You ultimately, and is about humility and serving without drawing attention to myself.”
One secret of my service is remembering that my service is ultimately in HIS service. I do everything as if for the Lord. Click To TweetI pray over his day. I pray that his body will be enough to face the challenges of whatever he is called to do. Mostly, I pray that his heart will be open to see God in his day. And I pray for him to know I love him, and to bring him home safely.
And I choose everyday to thank God for those stupid, blessed, dirty underwear. I am even disappointed when he remembers to put them in the hamper.
I have learned how to love my husband more in doing quiet, secret things for him than I ever did by nagging him into doing things for me.
When God filled my heart, I stopped being bitter. I started looking for the next thing I could do for him. My focus shifted. I started giving him real attention, listening to his needs. When his work day had been awful, I gave him some grace to find his peace so he could be the daddy and husband he wants to be.
If this is so secret, why am I writing about it?
It’s humbling and real. And every time I have shared this story with women whether 2 or 100, I’ve seen tears and nods. We all have our own dirty underwear mountain that we need to surrender.
So, I share in case another wife needs to hear my story.
Nothing changed my marriage more than loving my husband and expecting nothing in return.
and Secret service is counter-cultural . . .
Our culture asks what’s in it for me? But I was never emptier than when I was counting the cost and measuring his gratitude.
I was never emptier than when I was counting the cost of loving my husband and measuring his gratitude. I only became full when I learned to love freely. Click To TweetI’ve never been more joyful than I’ve been picking up his dirty, thrown up under the cobwebby vanity underwear because I see how God has moved in our marriage and in his heart through my tiny acts of obedience.
And sometimes we need reminding that we’re not supposed to blend in.
Besides, the underwear was just a start. Once joining the Secret Service, I found so many ways to love my husband and quietly serve people. Those services are treasures I hold like sweet pearls. I’m know my Heavenly Father, from whom nothing is secret, sees my service and growing unconditional love for my husband.
66 Comments
Joan
This is the craziest and best article I have read in such a long time! Thank you for your unconditional honestly. I realise through your words that I am being a nagging wife. Resenting my husband for things that he does not do, and nagging the heck out iof him to get it my way.
He is a wonderful man, and I need to treat him better.
With the Lord’s help, I will begin my secret service. 🙂
Jennifer
Glad it spoke to you!! I have to remind myself often of the lessons God has had for me.
Jennifer
Thank you for writing this!! During this pandemic, things have been even more stressful, including my marriage. I constantly find myself wanting to think about my own righteousness as Matthew 6 called out above. And it’s like you said…I keep thinking “What a selfish…person I AM.” I keep wanting to point the selfish meter at my husband and every time, I’m reminded that it resoundingly is pointing back at me. The idea of praying over my husband through the little things is exactly what I need to start doing to soften my heart towards “secret service” for my husband. Great post!!
Jennifer
I am so glad you found it as convicting and encouraging as it always is to me.
Andrea
What I got out of this is that we have to submit our flesh to God first – and then submit to our spouse
Jennifer
Yes! Because by submitting to our spouse, we’re really submitting to God.
Tara
I can’t say I have ever thought to pray over the underwear, but that is a good thought…lots of reminders to pray for him. LOL
Jennifer
It might be his briefcase or dirty dish but we all have something that drives us crazy that we could pray over instead of nag.
Lisle
I admit that I cried reading this. My husband and I seem to argue over everything these days. He constantly reminds me that I am too “submit” to him according to the Bible, which I find hard to do. But I must remind myself that I am not doing so for him or serving just him, but I am serving my father in Heaven who has commanded me to do so.
Jennifer
Yes. Submit to Christ. As your husband should as well. If you both focus on Christ, it should draw you closer together. Praying for you and your marriage now. I also wrote a post about being submissive in a culture scared to submit that might really help.
Megan
Thank you for sharing your story. Resentment can easily wind its way into relationships. Remembering that we all need grace and seeking God to meet our needs are the best ways to combat negative feelings. I too have been guilty of unrealistic expectations with my spouse (wanting him to fill holes in me only God is able to).
Katie
I love this post!! How true that you are ultimately serving Christ in those moments & He uses that to transform us. So blessed by this reminder because it is so easy to get frustrated & think only of ourselves. Thank you for your story!
Jennifer
I’m so glad you were encouraged by it.
Heather Hart
I have so been there. When I realized the best thing I could do for my marriage was change my own thoughts, my whole world changed.
Jennifer
Yep! My husband is a totally different man because I learned to be more humble and gentle.!
Steph
I loved this post. Thank you for sharing! We are struggling currently in our marriage and I’ve come to a lot of these same conclusions and made changes and I still find us struggling. I have being serving knowing God sees and that I’m blessed to have a family to take care of and clean up after and focus on. I know God is the only one who can truly give me joy and happiness that is fulfilling and everlasting. Yet I still find our marriage falling apart. I feel like I can do what I need and want to do for my husband , what he needs me to do for him, but I still end up feeling alone and hurting. Is it bad to want to connect on levels deeper than the surface even if he says he is “a man of few words” and “simple minded”. I base my morals and values on what I believe God wants for our family and myself. I find when decisions come into play involving doing what’s ultimately right – our world at home quakes. We can be good at having fun and loving a surface level life but when it comes to the hard stuff we crumble . When I feel one way about something and him another, I can give solid back up if why based on my beliefs, research, and education on the subject. Because I’ll do the work to make sure it’s what I feel is right. From how to raise the kids to how to take care of ourselves, how to navigate this pandemic, how to weave more culture into our family life. I often get shut down or challenged based of an opinion with nothing to back it except that’s what he wants to happen or not happen. I feel stuck and like I’m on a rollercoaster. The more I lean into God the more I notice he wants nothing to do with Him based on his own actions and lack of seeking him . I’m sorry this is so long and probably confusing. I’m feeling desperate and defeated. Any insight would be amazing. Your post and writing gives me hope.
Jennifer
I more than understand. My marriage is very similar. I’ve learned to ask him questions instead of offer my opinion. I’ve learned to praise him a lot for the things he does well. I’ve learned to ask if he wants my thoughts before HE makes a decision. When I offer my thoughts and leave the decision up to him, he usually makes a better decision because he isn’t just fighting me. But it’s hard not to have the emotional closeness we desire. We have to remember that those desires point us to heaven. And if nothing ever changes, how could God be glorified in your faithfulness? I know I have women watching my marriage and being encouraged in theirs. You might appreciate some more of my marriage posts, how to save your marriage when war comes home might not totally relate but has some wisdom for you. And my new fair fighting post has a lot to say about handling conversations and disagreements
Erin
This is such a hard lesson to learn and I praise God every day that He brought me through it. After my first husband walked out, I wasn’t really sure where to start but I knew it needed to be with God. I did exactly as you’re teaching in this post – I allowed God to be my portion. In doing so, I was ready to be the wife that my now husband needed. I have now been married for 11 years to the love of my life – God’s exact and perfect match for me. It is amazing to see what God can do in a marriage if he will only give it to Him. I praise God for your testimony.
Jennifer
Wonderful! We’re a few months from 11 years now ourselves!
Lauren C. Moye
This is a great post and a great testimony. Thank you for being so humble in sharing with us about your own shortcomings. I’m sure this will really help other wives.
Jennifer
Humility has proven to be so much more healing and welcoming than false perfection ever was. I am just doing my best to be faithful daily to my God and his purpose for me
Suzanne Hines
Oh, how I love this post. Your testimony is amazing. I have found that we go through mountains and valleys in our marriages- and even if I am on a mountain right now, I can prepare my heart for the darker valleys (and spend much time being thankful for the view up here.).
Jennifer
Right now my husband is serving me as I’m hospitalized and have a long recovery. It is nice to see how years of my service has affected him and his willingness to serve
Ellen @Mommy Happiness
I love the ‘secret’ serving of others…since serving is not about glorifying ourselves or getting any sort of attention from others, this is a great way to do it…especially in marriage where it is so easy to nag and start checklists on our minds of how the other is not measuring up….I actually just read a recent post titled ‘Stop Being a Butthole Wife’ (I know the title sounds weird but it was perspective changing…and now I read your post and I think I am in need of this message…thank you! Timely reminder for sure!
Jennifer
I read that yesterday! It made me cry.
Kim Jones
This is so good! It reminds me of my situation with my husband. We are at the beginning stages of holding onto that resentment and measuring the gratitude of the other. If we continue, I know things will be pretty bad down the road. We both recognize that we do it and have conversations about it from time to time, but we always need reminders of our own failures and our need for grace. I’m thankful that when we were (and still are) in need of grace that God didn’t give up on us. But instead He loved us so much that He sent His Son to serve us sacrificially. We should have no choice to but to serve Him and others selflessly in return! Thank you for this!
Jennifer
I am glad you see the need for a shift before it gets too far down that road. If I could add one thing to this post, it would be to reach out physically to my husband more often. Hold his hand, hug him, smell his cologne. Touch softens our hearts so much. Praying you keep Christ at the center of your lives and marriage.
Jerusha (TheDisneyChef.com)
This is a fantastic post, one I’m sure will change a lot of lives. Thank you for sharing it on Fast Pass Friday and I do really hope you come by again to share more wonderful posts with us. – Jerusha, TheDisneyChef.com
Chari
This is such a great post! I think we often times we hold our spouses responsible for our happiness, when that is something we must find ourselves. God bless!
Jennifer
Yes. Very true. My husband’s kindnesses are God blessing me through him just as mine are to him.
wifemummynurse
It’s so easy (too easy) to treat my husband as an idol sometimes. I notice when that happens he does something to “mess up”, and I am left seeing my sin.
Jennifer
How hard it is to realize that when I’m mad at him, it is usually more an indicator of my sin. Very true.
Brandi @ penguinsinpink.com
Jen, have you ever read Love and Respect? I just finished it and it’s fantastic. This post reminded me a lot of it because one of the key elements in it is “Her respect regardless of his love. His love regardless of her respect.” My hubby leaves his underwear in the same spot and before I would roll my eyes and kick them out of my way but now I pick them up and say a prayer of thanks that he is here and I can do this for him. So I guess, I’m joining the Secret Service too. 🙂 Do we get cards? LOL.
Jennifer
We are reading it now. We haven’t gotten very far, but our rule is that if we want to stop and discuss something we do. Just talking and being open has already done wonders.
Emerlad
Loved this! Coming from a person who is in college and single, this was very interesting to read 🙂
Jennifer
Good to know before you get married so you choose someone you want to serve and serves you back.
Marissa
How awesome…. love this Secret Service. Thank you for sharing it with The Cozy Reading Spot!
Marissa
Coupon Diva (@RealCouponDiva)
WOW – what an amazing testimony that was – be BLESSED as you continue to serve and minister to Him!
MomMaven
Love, love , love this post! I was a stay-at-home homeschooling mom for 16 years. I wore that as my badge of pride and hard work. I had a tough time when my husband didn’t respect and thank me for my service to our family. Thankfully, God got ahold of my heart in this area and I have been serving in Secret Service for years!
Jennifer
Sounds like you outrank me in time in service, but glad we’re on the same team. Serving others in secret is so powerful. Especially when we stop focusing on earthly thanks!
Shari
This was so good. About two years ago I had to go to our little house with my granddaughter because DHR got involved. My husband didn’t come. I was just tired of things and the way things was going on my home. Then God got a hold of me and I went home, It was the best thing I could have done. It was serving him for Christ.
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Jennifer
I get tired of how things are going in my home all the time. I’m learning that I have to give it up to God. I have to cry to him and ask Him to intervene in my heart. He always does.
Rebekah
This is such a beautiful testimony Jen! I know it will encourage many woman to love and serve, because it encouraged me. Thank you for sharing!
Brittany at EquippingGodlyWomen.com
What a lovely and honest post! Love it! I’ve noticed the same thing–anytime my husband seems especially annoying, usually *I’M* the one with something to change!
lperkowski
What a beautiful testimony about the power that God can have in our lives. Thank you for your bold honesty and transparency that overflowed all over this post. You have certainly inspired me to be less concerned about recognition and more concerned about serving other because that is what Jesus calls me to do. I’m in with you!
Jennifer
I love to come back and revisit this post when I forget how full my heart gets from just serving.
Amy Edmiston
I truly love this. I am working on this very thing of doing things without expecting in return. Sometimes just the blessing of knowing that he felt blessed is blessing enough! If that makes any sense…Good stuff!!
Renee Kinlaw
The Lord convicted my heart a couple of years ago about this. I have started noticing how well my husband responds to me when I give him the praise and support he deserves instead of focusing on the bad. Also recommend “5 love languages” by Gary Chapman. It really helps you see what you are contributing to the marriage. Thanks for sharing this with us.
Jennifer
Yes. Lots of wisdom in that book.
confessions1rst
I’m working on implementing the same concepts in our marriage, especially this year, as well!
Erica @ Healthy Christian Mom
This is a great post! I think a lot of people spend to much energy keeping emotional score with our spouses. It can be detrimental to a marriage and family. Just last year, our marriage went through a time like this. It was a very hurtful time for both of us. We did not communicate at all. I went to bed every night numb to my marriage. One day the Holy Spirit spoke to me and reminded my how much I loved the God in my husband. I began to frame my “actions and reactions” towards my husband as actions and reactions towards God in him. I was led to Ephesians 5:22 “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.” I do not know if that makes sense the way I wrote it but it changed our marriage. I never thought of it as “Secret Service,” but your post sums it up great. It was “Secret Service.” A few months later, he came to me and apologized profusely for the for everything. He said he was convicted by the Holy Spirit about his “actions and reactions” towards me. From that point on everything has been great.
Thank you so much for writing this post and sharing your story.
Tina Truelove
It is so easy, especially after many years of marriage to get caught up in the business of life and start expecting things from our husbands (or wives) that we never expected in the beginning. We start expecting service and we forget how to serve. Thank you for this humble reminder, Jennifer.
tty
What a great post! There is probably not a Christian wife around who doesn’t need to be reminded of this. Thank you for sharing what had to be tough to put out there. <3 I'm gonna share this with my readers at http://happy2bahomemaker.com.
Tracee
Jennifer
Thanks! It is kind of embarrassing, but has been so good for us. My husband now leaves his underwear out for me to pray over on purpose.
gina
If he doesn’t, you can pray over them when you do laundry and put them away!
Great post and much needed! Thank you!
Jennifer
I definitely find ways to pray over lots of little things – even when he picks up his underwear. Today I prayed over a cup of coffee remembering that I’m sitting down, having quiet time with coffee and God as he has been at work already for 7 hours and won’t be home until tomorrow. And I messaged him right then to tell him I love him.
Cheri Gamble
It is all about serving one another . . . Jesus himself did not come to be served but to serve, and He should be our ultimate example. Loved your article!
Jennifer
Thank you!
Julie
So wonderful! I have struggled with the same things, and I will remember this for sure.
dani
Same here my husband was devout born again but is backslidding, I will apply what you said i will no longer have resentment towards him, just do everything onto my husband as I onto the Lord and to give me servant heart with out nothing in return this story touched my I’m sure many other women.Thank you.
cdexterjr
Doing things in the SS goes both ways…
Starla J @ Pressing In and Pressing On
Oh great post! God is our healer, our peace, joy, and love. I’m honored to join the Secret Service with you.
Marjie @ Home Again Jiggety-jig!
WOW!! I struggled with much the same myself for a long time. God has done his work through my heart. Thank you for this! I shall share it.
Jennifer
Glad you were able to hear my heart. Thank you.
coloradoavocado
What a great post. In the last couple years I’ve also struggled with the same things. I began to put my focus on myself and God instead of my husband. I realized I had to be happy within myself and have a closer relationship with God to fully love. It’s then that I realized how my husband might feel too. It’s truly amazing What God can do for us. Thank you for sharing and what an inspiration!
Jennifer
I am glad you were able to hear my heart. It is so hard to describe the mysterious way God works in my heart.