The Best Christian Guide for Fair Fighting in Marriage

(Last Updated On: June 12, 2020)

Need some strategies for fair fighting in marriage?

You’re not alone. Fair fighting takes practice in learning to communicate well and graciously handle conflicts.

We sometimes forget we need to practice forgiveness and grace the most is at home. We let down our guard and raise our expectations with our families, which is a recipe for disaster.

Marriage can bring out the best in us, but also our worst. We’re living in close quarters with another sinner. Our flaws and quirks are going to bump elbows sometimes. Sometimes, those elbows are going to hit sensitive places and arguments start.

For me, it’s been a real work of the Holy Spirit to guide me as a wife. My human response to conflict is the same as many people: selfishness, defensiveness, hurt, anger.

Developing a Godly response takes maturity and work, and sometimes coffee.

But learning to fight fair in marriage is probably one of the most important lessons I’ve needed to learn as a Christian wife because how I demonstrate love for my husband is part of my witness to our children and the world.

The first rule in fair fighting is don’t fight.

Fighting is so destructive. Words said in the heat of the moment can build walls of resentment for years to come.

One minute you’re slightly frustrated that he didn’t wash the dishes, the next you’re angrily yelling about that one time he got you lost on vacation.

I can’t tell you how many times my husband and I have found ourselves fighting and by the end could barely remember what started it. Because small disagreements and poor communication bring up bitterness and resentment that we’ve held onto in other areas.

Fair fighting truly means doing my best to stop the argument before it starts.

We can stop arguments in two ways:

• First, by not allowing ourselves to get upset or offended easily.

Our job is to be a helpmate to our husband. We are to be partners in our home, our lives, our church, our community.

How can you be the partner he needs in rough moments?

Offer him more grace when he makes mistakes or is insensitive or unkind. Assume that even when he fails miserably that he is trying to do his best by you and your family. Treat him as though this is true. Doesn’t matter if it is true.

You are not his Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is his Holy Spirit. Let God’s conviction on his heart speak louder than you do.

If you MUST say something, do not speak out of anger and do so gently.

• Secondly, by how we respond when our spouse is offended or upset.

We don’t have to respond to their emotions with equal emotions. Ask gentle questions before you respond at all.

Sounds like you’re really frustrated. What is it? Can I help in some way? 

Identify if the issue is even marriage related. A rough day at work can spill over onto me. I can choose to let it roll off and seek to comfort him instead of getting offended.

Let him talk and be heard if it is marriage related. Fully understand his concerns and emotions before you respond.

But this is a really hard teaching. My flesh doesn’t want to respond to angry feelings with gentleness and peace.

But marriage is a journey in sanctification.

Marriage reflects God’s love and the relationship between Christ and the church. It’s a complex, beautiful mystery.

And part of God’s plan for marriage is that it will grow us in Christ. We will need to learn to be selfless and to exhibit His peace and patience to build a truly loving and joyful marriage.

Human frustration and anger will never do that.

One Bible verse for fighting fair in marriage is in one of my favorite verses.

In fact, this verse complements the idea of listening and reflecting before speaking.

What do you say to your husband when you’re fighting?

I am a words girl. I spend time crafting careful letters and messages and blog posts. So, when I disagree with my husband about something, I tend to think that just the right words will help him see my point of view, but I’ve found that is rarely the case.

More important than my words is my tone and attitude. I need to convey my love for him first. Nothing I say will matter if I do not love.

One of the most powerful Bible verses about fair fighting in marriage is

Proverbs 15:1 ESV  A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

It’s not a promise, but as a general principle, staying calm and having a gentle tone often keeps the situation from escalating.

One morning, we were driving in a fairly heavy rain on the way to church. My van does not handle well in the rain, and I was feeling very anxious in the passenger’s seat. When I asked my husband to slow down, his response was sharp. I was instantly hurt. I didn’t understand his response.

The Holy Spirit brought that verse to mind.

And I paused. I took a moment to pray for clarity.

God revealed that my reaction might have sounded like criticism to my husband.

So, I quietly told him, I know you’re an excellent driver and love us very much, but my van doesn’t handle as well as your truck in the rain. Even though I know you can handle it, I would feel calmer if we slowed down a bit.

He was able to hear me, not as criticizing him, but having real fears that I was sharing with him. Giving him the opportunity to meet my needs and comfort my fears instead of demanding my way changed the entire dynamic.

Interestingly enough not five minutes later, we narrowly avoided a massive collision because we were going a little slower. God was with us in that vehicle for sure.

Keep your focus on one issue.

Even if this seems to be a recurring issue, bringing up past circumstances complicates the conversation with different recollections and held-over bitterness.

Which also means – Don’t use words like always, never, etc. No one is ALWAYS or NEVER anything. And sweeping generalities hurt.

Fair fighting remembers to treat your husband the way he wants to be treated.

Men respond differently to things than women do. Think about the way his brain works, what his emotional triggers are, etc. before you respond in charged situations.

I don’t always remember how critical an unwelcome suggestion can sound. Men especially like to feel capable and resourceful. What women (meaning me) might see as constructive suggestions, men often take as criticism that digs at their soft places as providers and protectors.

Give him the benefit of the doubt when you’re angry with your spouse.

Look for the ways he is trying to be your leader and protector even in the disagreement.

This Easter, my husband brought home baby chicks. They were super cute, but caring for them ended up being a huge project. We had to build a coop and run and learn how to keep baby chicks alive.

Before I got upset, I asked him about his decision.

Not only did he want to raise these chicks as a fun, educational project with our daughter, but he was concerned that the pandemic might cause food supply chain issues. Raising chicks was a way to provide our family with eggs.

Isn’t that thoughtful? I could have missed the sweetness of his gesture by allowing my limited perspective to cloud my judgment.

It’s not natural to believe the best of someone when we’re angry or frustrated. That is why we must take our hurt feelings to God to process.

What do I do if my partner doesn’t fight fair?

Ideally, in a Christian marriage, both parties are mature believers living in submission to Christ and each other.

And you should be able to hold up the issues at hand against scripture.

But that isn’t always true. Even two strong Christians will sin, so we have to have strategies in place to deal with conflict respectfully and Biblically.

Sometimes life takes people in different directions. Two lukewarm Christians marry. One grows deeper in faith while one walks away.

As wives, we are still called to fight fair even if our spouse does not.

I’ve learned that I am responsible for my side of the table, so to speak. I can’t control him. I can’t always control ME. It’s worth repeating, I am not his Holy Spirit. I’ve learned that I can pray for him and love him, but cannot change him. I have to learn to live with him as who he is.

If he never changes, how would Christ have me live and love him.

In the middle of a disagreement, if the situation is going downhill fast, try to deescalate. Look for the positives or things you can agree on. Take a break, use the restroom, get a glass of water. Break the tension. Give him a kiss.

Also, be able to recognize abuse versus passionate arguments and find wise Christian counsel like a pastor that will help you set healthy boundaries or leave, if necessary.

Remember not to take his sin personally. Satan is after us all.

Lastly, remember our goal as Christian wives is to help our husband cling to Christ.

When I focus on that, I am instantly humbled and able to extend the kind of grace Jesus did for me when my sins held Him on the cross.

Fair fighting for Christians means living our faith in the toughest moments of our marriage as selflessly as possible and standing for truth in how we do so and how we live.